Nearly all great ideas follow a similar creative process and this article explains how this process works. Understanding this is important because creative thinking is one of the most useful skills you can possess. Nearly every problem you face in work and in life can benefit from innovative solutions, lateral thinking, and creative ideas.
Anyone can learn to be creative by using these five steps. That’s not to say being creative is easy. Uncovering your creative genius requires courage and tons of practice. However, this five-step approach should help demystify the creative process and illuminate the path to more innovative thinking.
To explain how this process works, let me tell you a short story.
In the 1870s, newspapers and printers faced a very specific and very costly problem. Photography was a new and exciting medium at the time. Readers wanted to see more pictures, but nobody could figure out how to print images quickly and cheaply.
For example, if a newspaper wanted to print an image in the 1870s, they had to commission an engraver to etch a copy of the photograph onto a steel plate by hand. These plates were used to press the image onto the page, but they often broke after just a few uses. This process of photoengraving, you can imagine, was remarkably time consuming and expensive.
The man who invented a solution to this problem was named Frederic Eugene Ives. He went on to become a trailblazer in the field of photography and held over 70 patents by the end of his career. His story of creativity and innovation, which I will share now, is a useful case study for understanding the 5 key steps of the creative process.
Ives got his start as a printer’s apprentice in Ithaca, New York. After two years of learning the ins and outs of the printing process, he began managing the photographic laboratory at nearby Cornell University. He spent the rest of the decade experimenting with new photography techniques and learning about cameras, printers, and optics.
In 1881, Ives had a flash of insight regarding a better printing technique.
“While operating my photostereotype process in Ithaca, I studied the problem of halftone process,” Ives said. “I went to bed one night in a state of brain fog over the problem, and the instant I woke in the morning saw before me, apparently projected on the ceiling, the completely worked out process and equipment in operation.”
Ives quickly translated his vision into reality and patented his printing approach in 1881. He spent the remainder of the decade improving upon it. By 1885, he had developed a simplified process that delivered even better results. The Ives Process, as it came to be known, reduced the cost of printing images by 15x and remained the standard printing technique for the next 80 years.
Alright, now let’s discuss what lessons we can learn from Ives about the creative process.
In 1940, an advertising executive named James Webb Young published a short guide titled, A Technique for Producing Ideas. In this guide, he made a simple, but profound statement about generating creative ideas.
According to Young, innovative ideas happen when you develop new combinations of old elements. In other words, creative thinking is not about generating something new from a blank slate, but rather about taking what is already present and combining those bits and pieces in a way that has not been done previously.
Most important, the ability to generate new combinations hinges upon your ability to see the relationships between concepts. If you can form a new link between two old ideas, you have done something creative.
Young believed this process of creative connection always occurred in five steps.
The creative process used by Frederic Eugene Ives offers a perfect example of these five steps in action.
First, Ives gathered new material. He spent two years working as a printer’s apprentice and then four years running the photographic laboratory at Cornell University. These experiences gave him a lot of material to draw upon and make associations between photography and printing.
Second, Ives began to mentally work over everything he learned. By 1878, Ives was spending nearly all of his time experimenting with new techniques. He was constantly tinkering and experimenting with different ways of putting ideas together.
Third, Ives stepped away from the problem. In this case, he went to sleep for a few hours before his flash of insight. Letting creative challenges sit for longer periods of time can work as well. Regardless of how long you step away, you need to do something that interests you and takes your mind off of the problem.
Fourth, his idea returned to him. Ives awoke with the solution to his problem laid out before him. (On a personal note, I often find creative ideas hit me just as I am lying down for sleep. Once I give my brain permission to stop working for the day, the solution appears easily.)
Finally, Ives continued to revise his idea for years. In fact, he improved so many aspects of the process he filed a second patent. This is a critical point and is often overlooked. It can be easy to fall in love with the initial version of your idea, but great ideas always evolve.
“An idea is a feat of association, and the height of it is a good metaphor.”
—Robert Frost
The creative process is the act of making new connections between old ideas. Thus, we can say creative thinking is the task of recognizing relationships between concepts.
One way to approach creative challenges is by following the five-step process of 1) gathering material, 2) intensely working over the material in your mind, 3) stepping away from the problem, 4) allowing the idea to come back to you naturally, and 5) testing your idea in the real world and adjusting it based on feedback.
Being creative isn’t about being the first (or only) person to think of an idea. More often, creativity is about connecting ideas.
This article refers to the child as ‘she’ for easier reading, but its contents are written for parents of both male and female children.
And so, they grow and they change and they let go and they begin to find themselves. As your child develops into adolescence she experiences what is arguably the most difficult passage of time in her life thus far. Through this period she will experience rapid changes within her physicality, her self-awareness, her understanding of the world around her, her relationships, her own identity, her vision of the future, her own sense of value and purpose, her social life, her sense of responsibility… and the list goes on and on and on. This is both a traumatic and liberating period of transition for her and you have to help her through it.
“Parents are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children. They don’t fulfill the promise of their early years.” Anthony Powell
This very astute observation by Anthony Powell says more about how your child will perceive you through her adolescent years than it does of you as a parent. Don’t be too concerned; rather, find some comfort in knowing that she will be disappointed in you no matter how well you do your job. However, if you do your job well, she will emerge from this prolonged period of enlightenment with a healthy amount of respect and love for you that will help her to overcome her disappointment of you.
So what goes on in the mind of an adolescent?
It’s a bit of a silly question in some respects, because we’re all different. However, parenting your child through adolescence will require you to make changes in your approach to her. The rules of the game will change daily and you will need to adjust if you are to stay in it.
It’s natural for to parents make assumptions about their adolescent children. There is a tendency to recall their own time of adolescence and assume that the thoughts, feelings and experiences they had back then will give them an insight into the minds of their own children. To a certain extent that may work for you, but it is so important to maintain an open line of communication with your child. If she knows that she will not be judged, ignored or dismissed when she opens up to you, she will be far more inclined to communicate with you. Avoid platitudes or hackneyed responses to your child’s communications with you – they are hardly likely to serve either one of you well.
If she’s hurting, and she tries to express that to you, the last words she needs to hear are ‘you’ll be fine’. Even if said sincerely, they show little thought or heart-felt expression. She may not need great pearls of wisdom from you. She may only need you to listen – to ask her how much she’s hurting is or who it is that’s hurt her. She may just want to hang out and watch a movie. Whatever she needs, it isn’t an off-the-shelf response. She needs to know that you care and that you understand her. She doesn’t need ‘answers’ all the time. Sometimes all that she wants is to be heard; to be ‘got’; to know that she’s loved.
But understanding her doesn’t provide you with an “Access All Areas” pass to your child’s inner self. She is becoming independent of you now, so her secrets are, by right, her secrets. If she wants to share them with you, she will, but you don’t have a right to make demands of disclosure from her because she has as much right to her privacy as you do to yours. If you don’t allow her this freedom she may withdraw and your line of communication will be lost – or at least compromised.
Your adolescent child is not very different from the little person who you dressed in a uniform for her first day of middle school. What is different is her new-found desire to be independent of you. These years may be as traumatic for you as they will be for her. You are having to let go of the person you have spent years investing in and connecting with.
You may think that she is becoming ungrateful. It’s more likely that she is distracted, overwhelmed and confused. Be gracious with her – she’s going to need more grace than you think you have, but if you don’t want to fail in this final stage of parenting your child, you must find it. Dig deep – really deep. She may well take more energy out of you over the next 5-7 years as she has done for the previous 12-13 years.
Your child is developing her own social network now; one that has nothing to do with you. Even at the age of 11 or 12 she may need to start excluding you so that she can develop a life away from you. These are the beginnings of her independence. It’s painful for you but it is good. You have to let her do this and if you can, try to facilitate it. I allowed my children to have their friends around. They had their own rooms and those were their territory. This gave my children a sense of independence and provided them with an environment in which they could begin to develop their own social lives.
Adolescents are wonderful. They have so much energy, belief, drive, ambition and vision. All these things need channeling if they are to reach their full potential.
Your child hasn’t suddenly become unruly. Not if you’ve brought her up well. She is more likely to be struggling to find the balance between her dependence and independence. The person she is and the person she wants to be. This is a frustrating time for her. She wants to be free of you but she still needs you. She has no home of her own, she has no financial independence, and she has no transport. She needs you for these things and it annoys her that she does. How can she be independent and yet needy? It doesn’t sit well with her. She will take her frustrations out on you because she knows you will love her no matter what. For a while, you will be her dart board with the ugly faces of misunderstanding, loneliness, isolation, helplessness and identity crisis pinned to it. Every time she throws a dart, catch it. Don’t let it penetrate you and cause you pain. She is throwing without knowing why. It’s not you she’s aiming at – it’s the faces on the dartboard.
Patience and tolerance are great attributes to be calling on right now. During this period of turmoil for her, your calmness will be a welcome antidote. It will help her to regain her emotional equilibrium. If you retaliate or respond explosively to her seemingly bad behaviour you may only make things worse. Don’t throw the darts back at her (remember, they weren’t aimed at you), lay them down. Be slow to respond. Be reasonable. Let her know that you want to help her and that you are not out to win a fight. A gentle answer will help to quench the fire within her – every time. You won’t always get the reaction you desire but her heart will take it in and it will do her good.
Every time you approach your child, do it from a place of enquiry instead of knowing and her responses will better equip you to understand her. Provide her with the meaningful, affirming words and acts of love that she craves. Things that will appease her frustrations, heal her wounds, fill her emptiness, silence the noises, make sense of her confusions and quell her fears.
Understanding your own mind
As your child starts to tear herself away from you, the pain will become excruciating. You may feel rejected, neglected, unloved, disrespected, unwanted, worthless…. You may begin to feel that all these years of loving her, caring for her and investing in her have been a waste; that it was all futile because here she is, growing up and leaving you without even so much as a ‘thank you’, and what’s worse, you don’t have someone to share your feelings with. No-one with whom to talk through the difficult time you are going through. No-one who understands exactly what it is to be losing this child – your child. You are alone.
She has found other people to share her life with. She can’t go to the cinema with you this Saturday – she’s already arranged to go with someone else. She doesn’t need you to prepare dinner for her tonight – she’s already eaten. She won’t be home this evening – she’s staying with a friend. Suddenly, she doesn’t want you anymore.
You have been replaced.
Replaced by ‘friends’. People who did not comfort her when she was sad; didn’t look after her when she was ill; didn’t take her on holiday every year; didn’t feed her or clothe her; didn’t pour a lifetime of love into her. Who are these people? These imposters? What right do they have to take your child away from you? Why do they get to ‘have’ her all of a sudden? They’ve done nothing to deserve her love and devotion. You may be feeling angry, hurt, bereaved, robbed, jilted, abandoned-.
Your instinct is to tell her how she is making you feel. You want her to know that she owes you and that you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You have earned her love and respect. You want something back in return for all the years you’ve given her. Really? You think she owes you?
Did she ask to be brought into this world? No. Did she not deserve to be fed or clothed or loved? Yes. When your child was born, you became indebted to her. She’s now breaking free. Free to be whoever she desires to be. Free to live the life she wants to live and there’s nothing you can do except watch and hope. Your role as a parent was to prepare her for adult life. Now that she is reaching for it, don’t hold her back.
Take joy in knowing that her independence from you is a sign of how well you have done your job; that your investment is paying off; that you have played a big part in making her the person that she is. Of course you want to be loved back – it will come, but don’t demand it. She has to focus on herself for a while. Her self-centredness is not wrong, yet it is inevitable. She is trying to find her place in the world. She must do this by herself – without you.
Nevertheless, she still needs your guidance and support. You will feel used. That’s how adolescents can make you feel. Don’t worry, they don’t stay that way. Keep on loving her. She still needs your love even though you don’t feel appreciated. Stay involved as much as she needs you to but don’t interfere. Wait in the wings until she calls on you. Continue to support her even though you feel your heart is breaking into pieces. Stay focused on her. This is a torrid time for you, but she is also struggling and she can’t be concerned with how you feel; she’s not responsible for your feelings. Yes, you need to deal with your own anxiety and pain, so take time out for yourself. Go to your friends or family, see a counsellor, join a support group, but for your child’s sake, don’t offload your troubles onto her.
She is sensing a gulf opening up between you. How could you possibly know what she feels or thinks? You’re too old and out of touch. She has her peers for that now. What once was a family home is fast becoming a lodging, soup-kitchen and virtual ATM. She comes and goes as she pleases; wrestles the TV remote away from you; eats your dinner without any thanks; locks herself away in her room for hours on end; takes every penny you have – and then some; leaves her laundry lying strategically around her room for you to collect and lays the blame firmly at your door if something isn’t clean on a certain day; demands that you taxi her to her appointments and pick her up again at a moment’s notice – all of which you do lovingly, if not sometimes with a little hurt. You want to be so much more than just her taxi.
How can you stay relevant to her? How can you still be a meaningful part of her life? How can you stay connected to her? Well, a good way to join this party is not to gatecrash but to get yourself invited, and if you do get invited, to know your place. She needs to know that you are still for her and that you haven’t become her enemy. Remind her of this. Be a good listener. Take an interest in all aspects of her life. Offer to give her a lift to the cinema instead of waiting to be asked. Maybe vacate your home now and then so that she can invite her friends over (leave plenty of pizzas in the fridge). Serve her, be generous to her, lavish her with love. She won’t show you anywhere near the kind of appreciation you deserve – maybe none at all sometimes, but she won’t shut you out of her life either, because she knows you care.
The more she knows you care, the more open she will be with you. However, you need to remain very understanding and open-minded for a while. You may find that some of the following adolescent thinking strikes a chord with you:
1. You are to be the object of ridicule. This means that you are to make yourself available to be laughed at when her friends are around. She must be allowed to make fun of you. Your taste in clothes, music and hair-style are all up for grabs. Take it on the chin and smile. It’s your job as the parental object of ridicule. But she is not allowed to disrespect you. All must be done in fun.
2. You may provide sustenance at certain times. Adolescents are prone to forget to perform even the most essential tasks – including eating. Force-feeding is out of the question but pro-active provision is allowed. At times, you may have to just leave it outside the bedroom door.
3. You are to provide money for clothing but may not attend the purchasing ritual. This is reserved for closest friends only. However, when no friends are available, you may receive an impromptu invitation. But be prepared to stay at home should a last minute phone-call mean that your place has been given to the aforementioned friend who is -‘oh joy!’- suddenly free again.
4. You are to adopt a flexible attitude regarding agreements with your adolescent. The changing of her mind regarding all things is to be expected at all times. You may remind her of her constant failure to honour her agreements but don’t expect much change for a few years – seeds lie in the ground a long time before growing and bearing fruit.
5. You are to listen to all complaints made against teachers at school while knowing that 99 times out of a hundred your child hasn’t been hard done by and is almost certainly at fault for being disciplined in school. But keep an open mind. There was more than one occasion when I had to call a teacher to account for bad behaviour towards my children. Be sure to encourage your child to live within school laws, whether she agrees with them or not. This is a lesson for life. She will have to learn to abide by laws and rules if she is to fit into society – better that she learns that now.
6. You will be the facilitator of at least one hour of loud music being played every day. For some reason, adolescents wish to share their music with you even though it may not be to your taste. After said hour, you may enforce a 23 hour ban on loud music.
7. You shall make your mobile phone available to her for emergency texting when she has run out of credit on her phone. Usual message sent: “run out of credit, can you call me back?”
8. You will dry her tears when she has fallen out with her friends forever and a day (usually the ‘forever’ part gets forgotten). Actually the ‘and a day’ often turns into less than hour when she receives a phone call while telling you that she doesn’t know what she’d do without you, and instantly finds her tears have dried up and she would much rather make up with her friends than continue finding comfort in your arms. You’re job – albeit a brief one – is done.
9. You will worry, fret and panic when she goes AWOL. She will disappear for hours without telling you where she is. She will go straight to a friend’s house from school and forget – yes, forget to come home. She will fail to turn up for dinner when you have lovingly prepared her favourite meal, and call you to tell you she is eating out with friends when the table is already laid. You will often be found calling friends, family and the local hospital to locate her hours after she was due home, while imagining the worst-case scenario, yet hoping and believing through a tight chest and knotted stomach that she is ok. As she walks through the door in the dead of night, completely unaware of the distress she has caused you through her thoughtlessness, and as you greet her through tear-filled eyes and a heart filled with relief and anger you will stand there shaking from head to toe trying hard to scold her, finally succumbing to your desperate desire to hold her and never let her go.
Not only did I allow my children to invite friends back late at night, I would cook for them. I didn’t try to involve myself in the conversation; I stayed in the kitchen and minded my own business unless I was invited to join in, but all the time I tried to stay relevant to my children by allowing them to be themselves while making myself available to be whatever I could be to them.
I didn’t try to be their friend – I was their friend, but from a safe distance. Now it was my turn to observe the boundaries and not step over them. If I did cross the boundaries I was made to know it in no uncertain terms. If they needed to talk, they could and I would listen, but had I been an inflexible, hard-lined, dogmatic parent, they probably would not have felt the freedom to share their thoughts and feelings with me. I created the environment that allowed them to be expressive instead of trying to force them into communicating and connecting with me on my terms.
“The day the child realises that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise“âEUR¨ Alden Nowlan, Writer and Poet.
All this liberality may make me sound like a push-over. Believe me, that’s the last thing my children would call me. According to them, despite my ‘cool’-ness, at the time I was still too harsh on them. I was demanding, unreasonable, unfeeling, insensitive, overbearing and a host of other terrible things.
I would show them a great amount of tolerance, understanding and patience but they never saw that. What they did see was my frustration, disappointment, anger and pain at their repeated disregard for my requests and boundaries and their own broken promises. I would let them know how disappointed I was, and sometimes tempers would flare on both sides. My failure to stay calm throughout some of our encounters didn’t do me any favours – nor them, but I always apologised for any bad behaviour on my part. However, I made certain they knew when I thought their behaviour was disrespectful and unacceptable. They hated being told that, but deep down they knew it was true and the seed was planted. Later, it would grow and bear fruit – they eventually acknowledged that they understood what I had tried to teach them, but they didn’t agree with me on everything. Maybe I wasn’t right about everything.
“We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgment.” Lillian Gordy Carter, Mother of the former US President Jimmy Carter
Don’t try to be a ‘perfect’ parent. You will fail. A wise man once said ‘no man is equal to his own rhetoric’. If you think for one moment that your child will not be disappointed in you then your expectations of yourself may be too high. She almost certainly will be disappointed in you, and she will let you know where you have failed, how you have fallen short in your role as a parent and how much better you could have been. Some of what she says will be true. The rest of it will simply come from her own idealistic expectations of the kind of person she wanted you to be and which you have failed to be.
As wounded and inadequate as you may feel, you should not take her criticism and disappointment to heart. You may have done your best, but even with the greatest resolve in the world, it was never going to be good enough; it was never going to be perfect. However, one thing you will have done as a good parent is to equip her to deal with life’s imperfections – you being one of them.
Eventually, she will let go of the disappointment and as your relationship with her continues into adulthood she will realise in her maturity that the world is made up of imperfect people who go about life in an imperfect way. However, she will gradually and continually discover the many treasures that you have deposited deep within her throughout her life and she will eventual come to realise that even a flawed diamond has great value.
When it finally dawns My children, having reached adulthood and each in their own time have told me how they now understand so many of the things I had taught them but which they had not accepted at the time of being taught; that they had finally ‘seen’ it. It seems to me that they have come through that painful period of their lives equipped with good values, healthy outlooks, gracious hearts and not a little wisdom.
Of course, just like me, they have their shortcomings, and, like me, they are on a pilgrimage. They will spend a lifetime working to better their own hearts and minds, dealing with one imperfection at a time. Just like I am doing. Our job as parents isn’t to ‘create’ perfect adults. It is to guide our children into a way of living that we ourselves value but which also allows them the freedom to choose their own path and develop their own character. If we have done that then we can ask no more of ourselves and no more of them. We can be content with the knowledge that despite our mistakes, shortcomings and flaws, we have, on the whole, not let them down and given them a good start in life.
You will not always be guardian to your child, but you will always be her parent and you can also remain her friend. She won’t need you in her life in the same way anymore, but she may like to include you. Should you fail to negotiate her adolescent years with some sensitivity, a little humility, a lot of patience, a huge amount of generosity and a great deal of understanding, you may fall short of providing her with the complete upbringing you had intended for her and which she deserved. Redouble your efforts during this delicate and exacting period of her life. Nothing less will do.
In all that you do, understand this: that your role as a parent is to teach your child to become independent of you – to help her to be free. And so, onto the final part of this chapter.
Letting go so your child can grow By far one of the most satisfying yet painful experiences for a parent is seeing her child grow into an adult. This is arguably, the most difficult aspect of being a parent – having the desire to hold onto that which you love most while knowing that to truly love her, you must let her go. It is joyous yet sorrowful; exhilarating yet frightening; liberating yet isolating; fulfilling yet emptying.
Your child – soon to be independent, is learning how to ‘be’ without you. You have no choice – let her. Don’t cling to her or she may push you away. Don’t dump your pain on her or she may resent you for it. Yes, these changes are painful for you too but they are not your child’s responsibility.
The relationship with your child, which has been a more-than-significant reason for your sense of purpose and fulfillment since she was born, is seemingly drawing to an end. It feels like it’s all over bar the shouting. She’s growing up and getting ready to fly and she’s taking your heart with her. You are experiencing a kind of bereavement. The grief is overwhelming. You are losing her.
But that’s not really the case. It just feels that way. You can’t help your feelings, but you can help what you do with them. Use them positively. Don’t allow your sorrow to overwhelm you. Focus on the positive aspects of these experiences: she is becoming an independent person; she is finding her own identity; she is dreaming of having a life of her own, of making a difference in the world; she is finding her purpose and establishing herself in society. Aren’t these the very things you brought her up to do? Isn’t this the person you wanted her to become? Have you done your job well? Yes. Good for her! And good for you!
This pain will pass. It’s a part of the parenting process and as such, has its place in your lifespan – but it’s not forever. The day will come when your child will begin to show you gratitude for all your investment. You may not get all the praise and recognition you think you deserve, but you are not looking for that – right? You are looking for the joy of knowing that you played your part in making her what she is today. That’s your reward. That’s where the fulfillment is. But she will bring you what she can by way of thanks and recognition as and when it occurs to her.
She may offer you a hug when you least expect it. She may ask you to go to the movies with her one day. She may call you while she’s sat waiting for a train just to say ‘hello’. She may post a comment on Facebook telling the world how great she thinks you are. She may ask you if you’d like to just hang out one evening. She will have her way of showing you how much she loves and appreciates you but it won’t necessarily be your way. Receive it for all it’s worth – graciously.
It may be years before she comes back to you with the kind of affection you feel you need from her. She may never come back to you with it. She may simply pour it all on others. What matters is that you know that the fruit she is bearing in her life is, to a large extent, due to you and the love you have poured on her. Let that be your reason for smiling. Let that be your reward. Demand nothing from her – she owes you nothing. Yet maybe, because of you, she will live a purposeful life; one that bears the fruit of someone who had a loving parent. It’s time to let go of her now so that she can fully blossom into the person you have desired her to be all her life – when she was a 2 year old playing around your feet; when she was a 4 year old on her first day at school; when she was an 8 year old coming home to show you proudly her school project; when she was a 10 year old telling you what she wants to be when she grows up; when she was a 12 year old staying over at her best friend’s house for the night; when she was a 14 year old crying on your shoulder because she had fallen out with her best friend; when she was a 16 year old attending her graduation party; when she was an 18 year old celebrating her first day as an adult. Yes, your job is almost done. Time to let go so she can grow.
Many parents are hungry for healthy parenting tips and effective parenting advice. The Responsible Kids Network offers parenting tips to encourage and support authoritative parenting.
I did not expect parenting to be so hard
New parents may be unprepared for the exhilarating, yet exhausting, journey that lies ahead in parenting. It’s important for all parents to realize that just because a person is able to procreate, doesn’t naturally provide the patience and knowledge needed to be an effective and healthy parent. Gaining knowledge about the nature of children and healthy and effective parenting styles, will help parents to be calmer and empower parents to be more effective in raising responsible kids.
I am hoping to parent differently than I was parented
Many times a parent may be aware of times that didn’t go so smoothly in his or her own childhood and wish to parent differently once he or she has children. At all ages and stages of our children’s lives, we may remember back to how our parents may have reacted in similar situations. Prior generations did not have the information that we now have available about healthy parenting. But family loyalties and legacies in each of our families has shown to significantly impact our parenting.
I am nice to my child but then he misbehaves
Parents and other caregivers sometimes hope that if they act nicely to a child, the child will act nicely in return. This is referred to as the “strings attached” approach. Adults (and some older children) can relate to the concept of fair giving and receiving, but most children are not mature enough to respond this way. By expecting this level of maturity, a parent is being unfair to a child. The executive role of parenting cannot be done through love and understanding alone. Effective discipline promotes self esteem, self-respect, self-control and preserves a positive parent-child relationship.
Am I a bad parent when I get angry with my child?
Anger is a natural and inevitable emotion and it’s okay to feel angry with a child. The key is for parents to learn healthy ways to express angry feelings to a child. Anger is usually a secondary emotion, so figuring out what the underlying feelings may be (frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, etc.) can be helpful in managing how to express anger. At these emotionally charged times, parents are role-modeling for a child how to handle anger.
My child and I are so different and we’re always clashing
The make-up of who a child is consists of ages and stages of development, uniqueness, maturity level, and situational factors. The uniqueness of a child (or any person)includes the individual nature of temperament, intelligences, brain dominance, giftedness, and learning styles. If these unique traits of a child do not “match” the unique traits of a parent, then there may not be “goodness to fit” and power struggles and miscommunication may result. When a parent is able to better understand these unique traits in a child, and how it may differ (i.e. conflict) with his or her own unique traits, the parent becomes calmer and more confident in parenting.
Is it okay to spank my child?
Spanking, and other forms of corporal punishment, is not a healthy or effective way to discipline children. The goal of discipline is to teach children proper behavior and self-control. Spanking may teach children to stop doing something out of fear. Despite some underlying attitudes and beliefs that spanking is an effective way to discipline children, extensive research strongly indicates any form of corporal punishment will negatively impact a child’s self esteem and the relationship between parent and child.
My spouse and I don’t have the same style of parenting
Reconciling different parenting styles may be a challenge for many spouses. Consistent messages from parents to children is a key element of healthy and effective parenting. Many times when we court and marry our spouse, we have not even thought about parenting styles, and then we have children and parenting style differences may suddenly surface. Parents should take time when children are not present to work on a consistent “parenting philosophy” that can accept and even honor different parenting styles. Working together, rather than against each other, will help support and nurture responsible kids.
How can I be a good parent?
A healthy and effective parent is an intentional parent, who understands a child’s needs. There are no “perfect parents” just as there are no “perfect children.” Striving for perfection in all areas of parenting can only cause frustration and stress. Parents are given numerous chances each and every day to provide healthy authoritative parenting for their kids.
Show your love. Tell your kids you love them every day by sending messages of “I believe in you, I trust you, I know you can handle life situations, you are listened to, you are cared for, and you are very important to me.”
Be consistent. Your rules don’t have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time, and followed by all family members.) Establish a “parenting philosophy” with your spouse.
Prioritize your relationship with your child. Building a strong relationship with your child should be top priority, and when communicating with a child, it’s most effective to remember to preserve the strength of the bond. The importance of strong, healthy bonds between parent and child cannot be overstated, because these bonds serve as the foundation upon which all other life relationships are formed.
Listen to your child. Active listening is the greatest gift to a child. Learn to accept, although not necessarily agree with, what your child is saying. Temporarily put aside your own thoughts and values and show empathy when listening to a child, trying diligently to see things from his or her perspective.
Strive for an emotional connection with your child. Understanding your child’s emotions will help you understand what motivates his or her behavior. Emotions are the real fuel of power struggles with your kids. When you identify those emotions, you can choose strategies to teach your child what he or she may be feeling and how to respond to those feelings in a more appropriate way.
Evaluate the behavior, not the child. Be intentional about self-esteem building and address misbehavior directly, rather than through evaluating the child. It’s better to say “I see you’re having trouble sharing with your friend,” rather than “Don’t be selfish, you need to share.
For more information on understanding the complex nature of who a child is, how his or her brain develops and processes information, and to practice new and easy-to-learn healthy parenting tools, please visit: Responsible Kids Network [http://responsible-kids.net/] at [http://ResponsibleKids.net]
Marty Wolner (BA, CPE, ICF, PACA) is a Certified Parenting Educator for the Institute for Professional and Educational Development, and New Paradigm Training Institute in Ft. Washington, PA and the Institute for Family Professionals in Philadelphia, PA, and the parent of two teenagers.
We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people’s epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.
Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.
1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home
The influence of both a male and female parent on a child’s development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child’s life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.
Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child’s emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.
Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child’s emotional and intellectual development.
2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents
Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase “for better or for worse” is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it’s a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.
However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child’s interests before their own.
Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.
3. To be a parent is a moral obligation – not a choice
There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child ‘I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore, this simply isn’t going to work’. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child ‘it’s better for you in the long run’ but the truth is – it isn’t. A child’s perspective will be ‘you don’t love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work’ – even if only subconsciously. While some may say ‘I’m glad my parents split up – I couldn’t stand the shouting’, what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?
The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it’s one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?
4. A child deserves and expects it
During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness – that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child’s interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?
If a child doesn’t deserve a parent’s unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.
5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.
Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other’s needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that’s coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they ‘get’ out of the relationship, if they ain’t ‘getting’ then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.
When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.
Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child’s expectations of the parents are always right – even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child – they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents’ affections or lives up to their expectations.
6. A broken home results in a broken child
Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life – even years afterwards – than those from two-parent families.
While parents may argue that they split up for the child’s sake, in actuality, it’s rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.
7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage
Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.
If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents’ desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.
Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn’t be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn’t have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.
Stephen Rees
Having worked at a difficult marriage for 20 years in order to bring up my two children my desire is to encourage and help other parents in a similar situation to do the same. My core belief on parenting is that a good parent can find ways of making a marriage work – even if not fulfilling – in order to provide their children with a stable, happy home in which to grow up.
The modern belief that leaving a bad marriage for the sake of the children has no evidential basis. In fact, studies on both sides of the Atlantic have shown that children who come from homes where both parents are present even if the marriage isn’t a good one, develop better emotionally and intellectually than those who come from broken homes. Parents who are considering divorce should take notice of this evidence if they truly want the best for their children.
My book “How To Be A Good Parent In A Bad Marriage” provides encouragement and support for parents who find themselves struggling to cope with the stresses and traumas of being a parent in an unhappy marriage, and shows how you can find happiness and fulfillment in life while being a great parent to your children.
Parental Alienation; the programming of a child by a parent to turn the child against the other parent has three levels of alienation mild, moderate, and severe. As the alienation increases the negative behavior of the children towards the targeted parent also increases. The percentage of children having access and parenting time (visitation) with the alienated parent decreases.
In a case study of thirty highly conflicted divorce and custody cases, submitted by the courts involving fifty nine children was evaluated to determine the existence of Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is when the child aligns with the alienating parent, adopts their views, joins in the defaming of the target parent and rejects that parent citing frivolous and irrational reasoning. Countering Parental Alienation Syndrome will take the knowledge of Parental Alienation and finesse.
This must be confronted to increase the chances for the target parent in reuniting and maintaining a meaningful relationship with their children. Janelle Burrill compiled, analyzed and evaluated the data for one year (2000-2001) from the cases that were submitted from a two year period (1998-2000). In the study twenty two children were listed under the mild alienation category, seventeen in the moderate category, and twenty in the severe.
The children listed under the mild alienation category show that eighty two percent of them expressed affection for the targeted parent. None of them had any anger towards or denigrated (disrespect and reject) the parent. Ninety five percent had parenting-time with the target. With mild alienation there is some cynicism of the target parent. This generally arises from a persons lack of restraint in making negative remarks about the target. They tend to react in this manner when they are hurt, angry, and feel personally attacked. For example, when parents first separate mom is feeling anxious and will implicitly convey to the children that their father is a bad person suggesting that it is not safe to be with him. She may say something to the effect of, “If you get scared or are not having fun call me right away and I will come and get you and bring you home.”
Dad may say something like, “Remember to tell your mother that you want to spend more time with me,” Suggesting that their mom is trying to separate them from each other. Generally, this behavior from the parents is done so they can look like they are the better parent to be with and that something is wrong with the other one.
In the scenario with mom the children start to question if they are safe to be with their father. With dad they can start to believe their mother is trying to estrange them from their dad. Usually when you point out the alienation to the alienating parent they feel ashamed that their behavior is negatively affecting the children and that they did not have enough self-control to refrain from distributing alienation.
Parents and children in this category normally have a good relationship. The parents who hands out the alienation usually are unaware they are doing it. It is a behavior that has not been addressed so it can be corrected. These parents are usually willing to modify their behavior to benefit the children. The recognizable denigration traits in mild alienation are sighing in disapproval, rolling the eyes in contempt, ignoring, disrespect, snide or sarcastic remarks, and defaming the target parent. To defuse the alienation explain to the children why people will make those kinds of gestures and bad-mouth another person. Let them know it comes from when they feel disrespected, rejected, hurt by a person, and that they lack self-control and respond in undesirable ways to validate themselves.
In the moderate alienation category the percentage of children who had parenting-time with the target parent drops significantly from ninety five percent down to sixty five percent. The same percentage of children also expressed affection for the target parent with fifty nine percent of them expressing anger towards the target and joining in the denigration of that parent.
With moderate alienation the alienating parents have difficulty keeping their composer when thing do not go their way or feel threatened. Like the belief their counterpart is trying to take the children away from them. They will increase the alienation when their anxiety escalates in an effort to keep what they perceive is rightfully theirs. When they lose control they go ballistic disregarding appropriate boundaries, including the fear their behavior produces in the children.
When, they calm down the alienating parent has a hard time taking responsibility for their actions. But, there is hope. Some of these parents in this category can be persuaded to develop their self-control with anger management, therapy, and parenting classes. These parents love their children and want to be a good parent and be viewed as one. But rarely will they volunteer to get help. They blame the other parent for their problems and believe the other parent is the problem.
If they do not modify their behavior then the only remedy is to get a court order for therapy and treatment. With moderately alienated children are hesitant to spend time with the target parent. They have some fear of the target parent due to the alienating parents repeatedly defaming the target in an effort to get the children to get to accept their views about the target parent and to align with them.
To remedy this level of alienation with the children there needs to be an environment where they feel safe and comfortable with the target parent. A therapist can arrange to provide for this. The parent then need to listen to the children without being judgmental, empathize with their feeling, acknowledge their concerns, and let them know the conflict is between the parents and they do not have to choose either parents side. They should not have to reject one parent to please the other parent. They should be able to love both without having a loyalty conflict.
Bring to the attention of the alienating parent the harmful effects the alienation is having on the children because they are conflicted on how to please both parents without displeasing either one of them. Moderate alienation ascends from emotional charged events. The parent feels they have been wronged and react destructively. Afterwards they are embarrassed of their behavior and might be willing to work on not involving the children to even the score for the wrong they believe was done to them. If there is unsatisfactory improvement and willingness on the part of the alienating parent in correcting their behavior, which is often the case, the target will need to get a court order for family counseling and treatment.
In the severe alienation category forty five percent of the children expressed affection for the target parent, ninety percent had anger towards the target, and sixty percent join in the denigration of the parent. Only fifteen percent of the children had any parenting-time with the target parent. With severe alienation there are no-holds-barred attacks on the targets character and the alienator is obsessed with destroying the relationship the children has with the target parent to inflict emotional pain on the target. Because they have deep-rooted distorted beliefs about the target parent and operate from a delusional system of thinking they are hindered from listening to reason.
There is no effective way for treating severe alienation. To minimize the influence of the alienating parent and harm the alienation causes the children is to reduce or remove them from the care of the alienating parent which will take legal intervention. At this level of alienation the children aligns with the alienating parent, adopt their distorted views about the target, and join in the campaign to severe the relationship they have with the target parent. This is where Parental Alienation is transformed into Parental Alienation Syndrome.
A couple of signs of severe alienation are the childrens refusal to participate in parenting-time with the target parent even if it is court order, an automatic alliance with the alienating parent when conflict arises between the parents, and they join in rejecting and defaming the target parent. They back up their claims with weak, frivolous and illogical explanations, and insist that their views are their own and are not influenced by the alienating parent.
The way to counter severe alienation is to obtain a court order for a parenting plan, therapy, and participation in treatment. It is necessary to get the order so the therapist can work with the family to resolve, reduce, or at the very least stymie the alienation. At this level of alienation the alienating parent objective is to hurt the target parent by any means including using the children.
The children need to be shown that they have been exposed to the alienation, participated in the denigration, and how it negatively affects the relationship they have with the target parent. Once the cause of the children’s alienation from a parent is identified then an expert mental health professional can provide an appropriate treatment plan to reunite the parent and children.
The Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to extra-curricular activities, education, faith and health. If there are particular needs or wants by either parent or regarding the child specifically those can be included too. In the event parents cannot agree on something that arises upon completion of the Parenting Plan, the plan can also include a statement as to how differences will be resolved. Essentially, the Parenting Plan is the road map that separated parents will follow for the raising of their kids.
The objective in detailing a Parenting Plan is to provide as smooth a parenting path to follow as possible so your children can enjoy a meaningful relationship with both parents to achieve a good developmental outcome – be a well rounded person who gets along with others and is successful in life.
While some parents may fret the details of the plan, the most important determinant to how well children of separated parents develop has less to do with the actual details, including the time lived in each parent’s home, faith, choice of school, extra-curricular activity, etc. The most important determinant is actually parental conflict. The greater the conflict between the parents, the greater the risk for a poor outcome for the child. The degree to which parents can find reasonable solutions to their differences, the children are better off. The degree to which parents may find themselves in ongoing conflict, then the greater the necessity or specifying as much detail as possible and the greater the necessity to limit or control for contact between the parents.
As best as possible, parents are encouraged to develop parenting plan between themselves, as opposed to having a plan imposed through court or arbitration which is not to say that court or arbitration may not be necessary, but should be considered a last resort.
The reason for parents to first try and develop a plan between themselves is because no other third party will ever know the details of your life, like yourselves. Further, those plans agreed to between parents tend to be better followed and longer lasting. While a solution may be imposed through court or arbitration, inevitably one or other parent is dissatisfied with the outcome and that parent may try to change it either directly by seeking to return the matter to court or arbitration or indirectly by doing what they want to do anyways. Thus imposed outcomes, do not necessarily end conflict.
Consider these strategies when seeking to resolve a Parenting Plan;
Be careful who you seek advice from to determine which approach is best for you. There can be considerable bias towards the service one offers. To determine what is best for you, it is advisable to speak with several mediators, collaborative lawyers and litigators. Beware of hollow promises and keep in mind that agreements made between the parents directly, no matter how they are assisted, tend to be better followed and longer lasting.
By the way, you will be co-parenting no matter what. The only question is the degree to which you do so successfully and in the end, peace between the parents provides for the better outcome for children regardless of what you agree to.
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America and was the first social worker to sit on the Ontario Board for Collaborative Family Law.
Google “helicopter parent”. This is what you’ll get:
hel·I·cop·ter par·ent
noun
informal
plural noun: helicopter parents
Yeah. An actual dictionary definition exists for this parenting style. It’s gotten that bad.
Yet, the trend continues.
What’s the big deal, you ask? (As you finish “checking” your kid’s math homework with an eraser and the answers you know he meant to write in.) Is it really such a bad thing, you wonder? (After penning a note to the neighbor kid’s mom, requesting her child stop staring at yours because it makes your little girl “feel sad.”) Back away from your kid’s algebra and stay away from your neighbor’s door, and let me count the ways.
Helicopter parenting is over parenting. It stymies your child’s independent growth and development.
A recent study by Brigham Young professors titled Is Hovering Smothering or Loving? An Examination of Parental Warmth as a Moderator of Relations Between Helicopter Parenting and Emerging Adults’ finds that regardless of your intention, continually dipping in and out of your child’s life to save the day is psychologically and relationally detrimental. No matter how much you say you believe in your kid, your actions say otherwise. Soon, your kids get the message. They don’t do conflict. They don’t do boundaries. They don’t do discomfort.They just don’t do much on their own.
Studies also find that all that parental hovering and control actually causes kids to lose interest in the classroom and lessens the desire for independent learning. Grades and academic success become tied to inadequacy and low self esteem. Self esteem that has been undermined by parents who inadvertently teach their kids that complaints rather than competence are the way to deal with challenges and the unknown.
Helicopter parenting also has a lot in common with a new phenomenon,”snowplow parenting.”
Helicopter parents anxiously do all they can to protect their kids from the unpleasantness in the world while snowplow parents actively shove obstacles out of their kids’ way to ensure their success. The end goal is the same: to give their kids the world, to actively get it for them rather than show them how to go after it themselves. The result? Kids who burn out, refuse to try, or fail to bounce back quickly because they don’t know how to take a hit from life or they don’t believe they should ever have to.
All this parental micro-management is a recipe for a mental health mess. For you and your kids.
Admit it, you’re exhausted. On some level you know that the preschool teacher isn’t wiping your kid’s five year old bottom. You’re pretty sure your parents don’t sleep on the floor next to your son’s bed until he drifts off to sleep when he naps at their house. And by now, you’re pretty confident that the call you made to your your kids professor regarding that Psych 101 presentation didn’t do your kid any favors.
Tell the truth, parent this way is overwhelming your life. The more you judge your self-worth and social value by your kid’s accomplishments and contentment, the less time you have to develop your own. The more energy you spend trying to moderate and mold your kid’s friendships and interactions the more unhappy and neglected your own personal relationships have become.
Be honest, you know your kids need way too much “help”. There is no way you can keep this up forever. At some point, you’ll have to let go. Will your child have enough mental muscle built up to walk alone or will your support be a crutch he or she can’t do without? Too many beneficiaries of helicopter parenting struggle with self control and depression throughout their adulthood.
Helicopter parenting is not kid focused, it’s parent focused. Do you hover out of fear or parental narcissism?
We live in a highly informed, highly comparative age. The way you parent may be subject to a whole host of judgements, theories, and unnecessary comparisons in the space of an hour spent surfing the net. If you’re susceptible, you may find yourself drawn into anxiety-based parenting, hovering over your kids’ every move, droning on to the other adults in his or her life about how he or should be protected.
Or perhaps, you’re not afraid for your kids at all. Maybe you just feel the need to ensure they represent you well. You need to excel at this parenting thing, so your reluctance to see them fail is really a strong desire protect your own self-image. It’s a bit narcissistic and might be a tough truth to tell yourself, but worth a hard look. Are you shielding your kids from failure because you really want to be a good parent or because you really just want to look like one?
Helicopter parents pay their kids’ dues with a credit card. Healthy parents let kids work it off.
Healthy parenting is a process of guidance, training, and supporting a child’s healthy growth and development mentally, emotionally, and socially in a way that fosters eventual independence. Helicopter parenting isn’t really a process as much as it is a parental takeover, with the main agenda being to help a kid secure “wins” in life without the work.
Not sure whether you spend too much time over head, over indulging and overprotecting your kids? Here are 10 ways to know:
Okay. Now you know. Take a breath, don’t beat yourself up. You just got caught up in the whirlwind all that hovering created. Come to grips with the idea that failure is the path to some of the best lessons learned. Give your kids that gift. It’s okay to save the hugs and soothing talk for after your kids take a few important developmental tumbles.
Get a good look at your current parenting landscape and come back down to earth.
Your kids need you to be encouraging and grounded, not piloting their flight toward independence for them.
It was 1977 and, although nobody knew it at the time, psychologist Ellen Langer and her research team at Harvard University were about to conduct a study that would change our understanding of human behavior.
It all started when Langer asked her research assistants to cut in front of innocent people waiting in line at the photocopiers in the library.
This is how the research study worked…
A researcher would spot someone waiting at the library copy machine and walk over with the intention of cutting the person in line. Then, the researcher would look at the innocent bystander and ask them one of three questions.
You’ll notice that Version 3 didn’t make much sense. Using the phrase “because I have to make copies” was a fairly useless reason for skipping the line. Everyone waiting at the photocopier needed to make copies. The phrase contained no new information, but the researcher was trying to use it to justify the favor anyway.
Surprisingly, this senseless reason performed well. When the researchers analyzed the data, they found the following.
Langer’s research, which soon became known as The Copy Machine study, was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (source).
The study became famous because it uncovered one of the most powerful words we use to drive our behavior: because. Langer’s work proved that as long as we could justify a behavior in our brains (“I’m doing this because…”), we would perform the behavior even if the reason didn’t make sense.
In his best-selling book, Influence, Robert Cialdini explained this phenomenon by saying, “A well-known principle of human behavior says that when we ask someone to do us a favor we will be more successful if we provide a reason. People simply like to have reasons for what they do.”
A few weeks ago, I conducted the Habits Seminar. For the last year, I’ve been saying things like, “Oh, I only run one seminar per year because people tend to build new habits at the start of the year.”
After the seminar finished, I asked for feedback from the attendees. One of the first messages I received said, “Suggestion: maybe offer the seminar twice a year?”
Similar feedback came from other attendees and the pervading wisdom was that people want to build better habits all the time and it can be easy to fall off track with your goals. Hosting a habits seminar multiple times throughout the year could be a good way to pull everyone back on track.
As soon as I heard the feedback, I realized that it was logical. And yet, for the last 12 months, I’ve been justifying my behavior of only conducting one seminar per year with reasoning that didn’t make sense. Even more surprising, I never questioned myself simply because I had a reason, even if it wasn’t a good one.
I’d venture to say that we do this to ourselves in many areas of life.
The reasons that we use to guide our behavior are just stories that we tell ourselves. Sometimes, those stories are true and accurate. We all have reasons for why now isn’t the right time for that bold move, why we slip up on habits that we say are important to us, and, yes, why we do favors for strangers. What we often fail to realize, however, is that our behaviors can just as easily be driven by irrational reasons as logical ones.
There are two important lessons we can take away from Langer’s study.
Be aware of that. Take stock of the reasons you use in your life. You might be surprised with the type of story you’re telling yourself.
One of the favourite memories of my childhood was spending time with my grandparents and today I feel so grateful to God for that. Not only I got to play games with them but I also got to hear new bedtime stories every night.
Only when little ones spend time with their grandmom and grandad, they will get to know that they act as an arbitrator, stress buffers, supporters, guardian and roots of the family. The bond that grandparents have with their grandkids is a special emotional bond, which is one of its kind. The support that our parents get from grandparents sometimes goes unnoticed and sometimes unappreciated as well.
So, if you are living far from your parents because of work or other reasons and your kids somehow don’t get time to bond with their grandparents. Then following are the tips how you can help your kiddiewinks in maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship with their grandfather and grandmother.
Let’s get to them one by one.
1) Make your visits frequent
If you are living in the same city, then make sure that you take your children to visit their grandmom and grandad more often and in case you live in some other city or country then plan to visit them during summer breaks or during long weekends. Other than this, you can also encourage their grandparents to plan visits or for a long stay at your place.
2) Technology makes staying in touch easier
With the advancement of technology keeping in touch has become very easy. You can make your kids FaceTime, Skype or Video call with their grandmom and grandad by fixing particular days and time in a week so that kids have something to look forward to. Besides these, kids can exchange e-mails, pictures, voice notes (including bedtime stories and rhymes) or texts with their grandma and grandpa.
3) Surprise them when they least expect it
Grandparents love pampering their grandkids. Every time they go to visit them, they make sure to surprise them with gifts. What you can do different is instead of gifting them on the usual occasion, surprise them by sending gifts through mails un-occasionally. Top gifting options are sending cookies, their favorite gadget, a collage of pictures or it can simply be a letter. This way they will feel more connected and loved.
4) More one-on-one communication
When grandkids or grandparents visit, then encourage your kid spending one-on-one time with grandma in the kitchen by helping her while she is preparing some family recipe, as this will help the conversation flow more freely.
Besides this asking granddad to read stories will lead to some meaningful conversation sometimes even enlightening.
5) Friendly Relationship
Grandparents act as a bridge between the parents and kids. Parents have so much of the pressure of doing everything and making kids learn everything perfectly. The pressure of being the best parents starts from making their kids learn how to talk, walk, behave, etc. As grandparents, you can teach your grandkids without any burden of being perfect at parenting. This way you can act as their friend and guide them the right way with every right step for instance, in their hobbies, teaches them how to face the competition and how to be positive.
Final word:
Grandmom and Grandad have their experiences to tell in the form of stories. Moreover, they are the storehouse of beautiful life inspiring stories which no kid should be denied. So nostalgic, I feel right now! What is your strongest memory from your childhood of your grandparents?
